The X-Pat Files

August 2008

 

 (Brought to you by H&R Consultants)

 

The X-Pat Files Community E-Newsletter provides a forum for the spread of information useful for English speakers living in Aichi.  You can use the newsletter as an informational resource, and of course you can send in information you would like to share.

 

This newsletter is a community service from The Japan Real Estate and Relocation company, H&R Consultants (www.japanhomesearch.com), and is edited by Sue Conolly (http://web.mac.com/conolly).

 

  Contents for This Edition

 

  1. Links for your Life

  2. Blogging

  3. Akihabara

  4. SNS Etiquette

  5. Kids Online

  6. Internet Providers with English Speaking Support 

  7. Meet and Greet Luncheon

  8.  Kakaku.com

  9.  Buying a new computer

  10. How to turn off the computer

 

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1. Links for Your Life

 

Well, you already know that the X-Pat Files (http://xpat-files.com/) is the foremost link for finding information in Nagoya, but what about all the other useful websites out there? Check out the ones below for some English friendly information.

 

Your Local Government / Other General Living Information

 

Nagoya City Hall http://www.city.nagoya.jp/global/en/  

Toyota City Hall http://www.city.toyota.aichi.jp/e/index.html 

Nisshin City Hall http://www.city.nisshin.aichi.jp/frames/nissin/welcome.htm

Kasugai City Hall http://www.city.kasugai.lg.jp/languages/english/index.html 

Nagoya International Center (NIC) http://www.nic-nagoya.or.jp/en/  

Nagoya Convention & Visitors Bureau http://www.ncvb.or.jp/index_e.html 

Living in Japan http://www.nipponliving.com/ 

Japan Information Network http://jin.jcic.or.jp/index.html

 

Transport

 

Nagoya City Subway and Bus Guide http://www.kotsu.city.nagoya.jp/

Hyperdia Route Planner (click on “English” button) http://www.hyperdia.com/

Japan Airlines http://www.jal.co.jp/en/

ANA Airlines http://www.ana.co.jp/eng/index.html 

Guide to Discount Rail Passes http://www.japan-guide.com/e/e2357.html 

Highway Bus Booking Service http://www.123bus.net  

 

Medical / Family

 

Aichi Medical Information System http://www.qq.pref.aichi.jp/qq/qq23egmp_lt.asp 

Counseling in Japan http://www.counselingjapan.com

Tokyo English LifeLine http://www.telljp.com/  

Foreign Mothers Group http://www.tcp-ip.or.jp/~lorna/mothers/

Japan With Kids http://www.tokyowithkids.com/

Chayagasaka Cooperative Playgroup http://kweto.com/chaya/index.html 

 

Japanese News / Media

 

Comprehensive list of news media in Japan http://www.abyznewslinks.com/japan.htm 

Japan Today http://www.japantoday.com/ 

Nikkei Net http://www.nni.nikkei.co.jp/ 

Metropolis http://www.metropolis.co.jp 

The Asahi Shimbun http://www.asahi.com/english/english.html 

Daily Yomiuri Online http://www.yomiuri.co.jp/dy/ 

Kyodo News Online (Japan Press Agency) http://home.kyodo.co.jp/ 

The Japan Times Online http://www.japantimes.co.jp/ 

NHK World http://www.nhk.or.jp/nhkworld/index.html 

Fuji News Network http://www.fnn-news.com/en/ 

 

Online Shopping

 

Foreign Buyers Club http://www.fbcusa.com/eng/ 

The Flying Pig http://www.theflyingpig.com/ 

Tengu Natural Foods http://www.tengunaturalfoods.com/ 

Warabe Mura Whole Foods http://www.warabe.co.jp/english2.html 

Amazon Japan (click “in English” button) http://www.amazon.co.jp/ 

International Pharmacy http://www.internationalpharmacy.com/ 

Lands End http://www.landsend.com/ 

LL Bean http://www.llbean.com/ 

 

Look it up!

 

English Town Pages http://english.itp.ne.jp/

Japan Post http://www.post.japanpost.jp/english/index.html

The Weather http://www.jma.go.jp/jma/indexe.html 

Currency Converter http://www.xe.com 

Time Zone Converter http://www.timeanddate.com/ 

Japan Metric Conversion Calculators http://www.teaching-english-in-japan.net/conversion/ 

Romanized Jap-Eng Eng-Jap Dictionary http://www.freedict.com/onldict/jap.html 

Extensive Jap-Eng Eng-Jap Dictionary Converter http://www.alc.co.jp/ 

Kanji Converter http://nihongo.j-talk.com/parser/ 

 

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2. Bloggety Blog

 

Blogs (short for weblogs) are a sort of online diary that tells people who you are, what you’re doing and how you’re thinking about the world around you.  They are an absolutely fantastic way of telling family and friends at home what you’re doing if you don’t have the time or inclination to write separate e-mails. Some blogs are public and widespread, while others are only available to a certain select audience.  There is a lot of information out there for beginner bloggers, but start with the following things:

 

1. Choose your audience – just your family?  Your friends?  Anyone who wants to read?  Depending on who you are writing for you might choose to write differently.  Some people use names when referring to family members, some choose to stick with initials.  It doesn’t matter how private or public you want to be, just so long as you have a clear idea of this ahead of time.

 

2. Choose your topic – is this a guide to living in Japan for others who might do the same?  Is it simply a diary?  Is it for you to record and remember your changing emotions from day to day?  At the end of your stay in Japan, what kind of blog will you enjoy going back over and reading?

 

3. Let go of your inner critic – your blog will never be chosen for the Nobel Prize for Blogging Literature.  You don’t want this blog to take up your whole time writing it and so set a time in your mind (a short time!) and stick to that time for your first attempts at writing.  Blog entries can be as short as you like – you don’t have to say anything very profound.

 

4. Write consistently – if it’s 15 minutes a day, great.  30 minutes every week, fine.  Just make sure you keep the blog going or there will be big holes in your dateline.  This is the hardest advice to follow, but when you do hit a “blog block” (a period of time when for some reason you just can’t blog), find a time when you can “get back into the swing”.  Often, a photo is all you need to have something to write about.

 

5. Read other blogs.  There are any number of Japan blogs.  Any number of blogs by mothers.  Blogs by businessmen.  Blogs by people who like hamsters.  There are any number of good blogs out there written by people whose interests run parallel to your own.  On many of these blogs there is a blogroll of other blogs that the bloggers read.  One blog leads to another.  And thus the world of Blog is created.  Here are some random blogs written by people who are in Japan.

 

The Blog from Another Dimension

Mutant Frog Travelogue

Tokyo Jazz Site

Japan Economy News

Konbini Life

Observing Japan

What Japan Thinks

Various Blogs with the tag “Nagoya”

Travel Blogs Nagoya

Gaijin Diaries

Porcelain Monkey

Amy’s Adventures in Japan

Japan for Good – One Day at a Time

Japan Explained

Hello Kitty Hell

My Life as a Gaijin

 

6.  Check into blog networks or blogsites that allow you to build a blog for free.  Such sites can be Googled easily, check out the ones below for a sample of the extensive range of free blogging tools available:

 

Expat Blog

Expat Women

BlogHer

Blogger

WordPress

Blog.com

Clear Blogs

Thoughts.com

 

And finally… why would anyone want to blog?  If my family wants to know what I am doing in Japan then why don’t they just pick up the phone and call me?  If I want a journal then why don’t I just buy a paper one?  What would I have to say that the whole world should be allowed to read?  I found this very amusing top ten list of reasons why you should blog and reasons why you wouldn’t, on this blog here. Below I’ve copied and pasted their top ten reasons for blogging and have added my own “Living in Japan” expat perspective.

 

Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Blog

 

10. Because you stopped learning anything new a couple years ago and it’s about time you started again – Blogging about some topic (even if it is just about daily life in Japan) enriches your experience, forces you to think about things that you would otherwise let go.  As an education tool, blog WRITING far surpasses blog READING.

 



9. Because it forces you to do your homework – If you want to add links to your own blog that will help other people living in Japan, it will make you look up those links.  Here’s a little secret from the editor of the X-Pat Files.  People who meet me think that I am the one who “knows everything” in Nagoya.  Well, it’s only because I write the X-Pat Files, have to look everything up, and people send me information.  Writing a blog, you become more magnetic for the very information that you need.

 

8. Because this is how you are going to learn in the future – there are more and more blogs in the world, and more and more blog networks.  Pretty soon, it’s going to be the case that internet blog “research” may surpass buying a guide book for those who are considering moving here.  Information is more fluid now than in any other time.  Learn the craft of blogging and you will simultaneously be learning tricks and tips for googling, podcasting and RSSing your way to a more informed future.

 

7. Because if you don’t we’ll think you’re lame and don’t know how to do your job – OK, this one was a bit harsh!  But think about it – writing a blog about your experiences in Japan, or about any other topic, will keep you more informed on that topic.  It will impress others.  Even if by “others”, you only mean your Mum and Dad.

 

6. Because it will change your life – This one sounds fairly dramatic too, perhaps overstated, but a life with blog does add one more dimension to your life.  It is 15-30 minutes a day you have your own time.  It is the only chance you really get to download your photos onto your computer. 

 

5. Because you’ll hook up all over the place – This is true.  I have many blogger friends with whom I catch up online.  Some of my blog communities follow in parallel my “real world” communities (ie, my blog friends are people I’ve actually met in real life) but by blogging I might say something about myself that makes me more interesting to them (or vice versa) to be the basis of a real friendship that might not otherwise have blossomed.

 

4. Because learning is conversation and that blogging lets you have more and better conversations – Allowing comments on your blog gives you feedback, it lets you know that people are reading, it makes your skin thicker when there are no comments, and it opens up a dialogue for further discussion, further learning.  A number of times I have written tomorrow’s blog from yesterday’s comment.

 

3. Because Professionalism is more than consumption, it is contribution – This one was written for people who would write professional blogs on a specialized topic, but I’d like to theorize that “Living in Japan is more than just consumption, it is contribution”.  You’d have one kind of living in Japan experience if you only ate at McDonalds and watched FOX on Sky PerfecTV.  You’d have a whole different experience if you were actually venturing out into the Japanese world and writing about it.

 



2. Because it’s “a swap meet for the mind.” – The experience of blogging will lead you to other blogs.  You’ll comment, you’ll get comments.  Your family and friends will know what you’re thinking about, your opinions on certain things.  You’ll find out more about them in return.

 

1. Because your job depends on it – Again, this one was written for the professional blogger, but perhaps you can say that your fulfilling Life in Japan experience depends on it?  Keeping a journal of any kind enriches an overseas experience, it keeps you learning about the place you are and the places in your mind you didn’t know you had.  Keeping that journal online and interactive, open to comments from the outside is the ultimate way of putting yourself “out there”, open to the experiences that life will bring.

 

 

 

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3. The Nerdy Nerdy World of Akihabara

 

Since this X-Pat Files seemed to be rather computer-themed, I thought that I would write about the Techno-Tourism world of Akihabara in Tokyo.  It turns out, I don’t have to write about it at all.  There is SO much information about this bustling electric wonderland that anything I could say about Akihabara would pale in comparison. 

 

Nagoya is only a couple of hours by shinkansen to Tokyo and for the budget conscious you could take a little longer to go there on the budget Puratto Kodama ticket (ask at any JR Ticket office) or go on an overnight package tour such as this one put together by JTB and JR Tokai.  Basically from anywhere in Nagoya you’ll be in Akihabara in about 2 and a half hours, so whether or not you stay overnight would be a matter between you and Hyperdia.

 

Now, here’s the fun part.  Here’s what you can expect to see in Akihabara:

 

Radio Center – You have to see it to believe this fantastic rabbits warren of tiny little “shops” that sell all forms of DIY electronics equipment to miniature gadgets.  It is tech-nerd heaven, to say the very least, and it should not be missed as the ultimate Akihabara Cultural Shock experience.

 

Duty Free Shops and Giant Electronic Chain Stores – If you are wanting to buy a camera, a video, an iPod, a computer, anything that beeps and clicks and whirrs in any way, then you are in the right place.  Your one very big problem will be trying to find the cheapest or best deal in amongst the buildings, the escalators, the giant window displays, the flashing neons, and the tiny little hole-in-the-wall shops.  If you can read Japanese or have access to a Japanese reading person, you might do very well to research in advance the prices you will likely pay at the different stores at a place like kakaku.com then print out the address of the actual shop that you need.  By the way kakaku.com lists prices from shops all over Japan and not just Akihabara, but you’ll see that in the world of electronics Akihabara is usually king. 

 

Maid Cafes – Where pretty girls dress up as French maids to provide the ultimate in relaxing experiences for the Otaku (Nerd) in us all. The original, “Cure Maid” on the 6th floor of the Gee Store Akiba near the station, is not quite as over-the-top (or expensive) as some of the competition (Click here for a map in Japanese).

 

Cat Cafes – If pretty maid girls just aren’t your thing, then who can resist a pretty little pussy cat?  Nekojarara is just one café that allows customers to pet extremely clean and fluffy cats while sipping their tea.  You will probably be asked to remove your shoes and wash your hands before entering, as cleanliness is everything in this feline world. The map in Japanese is here, and it takes about 7 minutes to walk from Akihabara Station.

 

DooDads, Dolls and Dildos – The Akihabara area is home to some of Japans strangest and most specialized shops.  Manga of course, hobby shops, model trains and plastic figurines lining every shelf, adult shops, shops that specialize in canned instant food in vending machines.  You can find descriptions of many of these kind of shops on websites such as the blog Akiba Channel.

 

Gaming Arcades – Gaming arcades from the past, gaming arcades of the future, Akihabara is a mecca.  I dare your to conduct your own Google search on “Gaming Arcade Akihabara” and see what rabbit hole you drop into!

 

Cosplay – Short for “costume play”, Japanese youth get dressed up in their favourite animation character costume.  And when I say they get dressed up – they change their hair, they put in freakishly coloured contact lenses… they transform into the character they are portraying. Visit Akihabara on a Sunday for this experience, because the streets are actually closed for traffic while cosplay fanatics pose for each others photo sessions.  Again, do a Cosplay

 

Tokyo Animation Center - A centerpiece of the area, offering up information, showings, demonstrations, and events centered around animation and gaming. It can be found by exiting the station towards 'Electric town' and heading out the right side of the station. It is the furthest of the two large modern skyscrapers in your immediate eyeline.

 

Capsule Hotel – If you do end up staying overnight, then who could resist taking this opportunity to experience this most quintessential of Japanese experiences, the capsule hotel.  It also happens to be the most convenient place to stay to the electric land itself.  Capsule Inn Akihabara is used to foreign clientele, and have their own English website.

 

 

 

OK, if you’re not convinced that Akihabara is the techno-tourism capital of the planet, check out the new multilingual tourist office planned to open on July 21 by the nerdy nerdy website Akibanana, which features a cosplay maid called “Cherry” – she is the “Guidol” (Guide + Idol) to your Akihabara experience.  Akibanana also offer a tour of Akihabara in English, as well as an “Akipedia” to explain to you the techno-terms that are used in the language of this strange, strange town.

 

 

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4. SNS Etiquette – Facebook, LinkedIn and MySpace, oh my!!

 

I was a self-proclaimed SNS-free zone until an old friend visited me recently and complained that she had lost touch with me for over two years just because I was not on Facebook.  She signed me up.  We had poke fights, Super Poke Fights, I’ve since had Food Fights with various other friends.  In other words, I have lost my Facebook virginity.

 

But how do you use these newfangled networking universes to your own advantage without ending up with six million new friends to whom you share absolutely no connection?  What IS the deal with that guy who asked to be my friend after having met me just once in the five minutes, ten years ago when we worked for the same company.  How is it that I always know about that guy now – I hear updates about when he stood in line at the bank, I know when he travels to New York (I don’t know other things about him, for example, whether or not he has any kids).  How come HE wants to know my updates – when I’ve had a bad day, or like today when my profile simply exclaims to the world “Sue is X-Patting”.  Some of my Facebook friends don’t even know that I write the X-Pat Files and so what they take from the comment “Sue is X-Patting” I just don’t know.

 

All that said, as far as I can tell Facebook is harmless, fun, and a very easy way to let people know what you’re doing.  Many of my Facebook friends are in fact family, so every time I update I’m actually letting my nieces and nephews know what is going on in my life.  Now that I’ve settled in I feel less and less need to play with the little toys such as “Food Fight” and “Send a growing flower”. 

 

Still, the newness of this process to me, and its very nature as the new way to be friends with someone, raises many questions.

 

 

All these questions and more I have as I enter this brave new Facebook world.  Still, without the food fight applications and other little toys, Facebook as my home base when I open up my internet browser does tell me that my friend in New York is “cooking for a crowd”, and that my friend in the UK is “cleaning out the car because it has to be returned”.  And although I don’t know what crowd they’re cooking for or what sort of car they are cleaning or why they have to give it back, I do feel the connection of being able to imagine my friends far away.

 

Some links to get you started if you want to find your friends online:

 

http://www.facebook.com/

http://www.linkedin.com/ 

http://www.myspace.com/ 

http://mixi.jp/ (Japanese version of Facebook)

 

And finally, this fun blog which goes into the traps and pitfalls of Facebook Etiquette (hopefully the answers to those questions I posed above, and more!):

 

http://properfacebooketiquette.blogspot.com/ 

 

 

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5. Kids Websites or Websites about Kids in Japan

 

I have been asked countless times by nieces and nephews how they can get information about Japan that they can use for their school projects.  A simple search online reveals that there is a lot of child-appropriate material out there on the internet:

 

Kids Web Japan introduces the country of Japan, its people, culture, history and language. Aimed at schoolchildren between 10 and 14, it features animation, games, quizzes and photographs.

 

Travel For Kids Japan lists fun things to do with kids while you’re living in Japan.  Although it’s by no means extensive, it does have some good ideas, and some lovely recommendations for books to read your children.

 

Here and There Japan is a wonderful blog for kids written by an expat mother in Tokyo.  It too has wonderful book recommendations (the author of the blog is also a member of the Society of Childrens Book Writers and Illustrators).

 

Homework Helper for kids doing projects on Japan (not a Japanese site)

 

Japan with Kids – a fairly Tokyo-centric online community for parents, contains lots of generic information too.

 

Piqniq – social network for families living in Japan with forums, blogs and directory of kid-friendly services.

 

Child Research Net is a non-profit, Internet-based child research institute. We have designed CRN's English site to bring together people concerned about children and to offer a forum for innovative interdisciplinary discussion. Our vast network of professionals, researchers and educators around the world will bring you articles, reliable data and the latest research in English, mainly on Japanese children and youth that are not otherwise available.

 

Japan Information Network might be useful for the homework of your older children.  Filled with statistics and facts, this is the place to go to look something up.

 

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6. Internet Providers with some English Support

Abigail Lloyd

 

GOL (FLET'S ADSL)

 

Service area is limited

Service/Stability ★★★★★

Price ★★★★

English Support Yes

Service Type < ADSL > 1.5Mbps to 47Mbps          Internet service Only

 

For further enquiries, please contact:

GOL: 03-3239-6765

Mr. Shigetaka Hayashi(Sales): 090-9208-1406

http://www.gol.com/en/indv/ 

 

 

GOL (B FLET'S Fiber Optics)

 

Service area is limited

Service/Stability ★★★★★

Price ★★★

English Support Yes

Service Type < Hikari Premium>  "Family"   Internet service Only

< Hikari Premium >  "Mansion"  Internet service Only

< "Hikari-Denwa"from NTT >  IP-phone Option

 

For further enquiries, please contact:

GOL: 03-3239-6765

Mr. Shigetaka Hayashi(Sales): 090-9208-1406

http://www.gol.com/en/indv/ 

 

 

StarCat  (Cable Internet)

 

Service/Stability ★★★★

Price ★★★★1/2

English Support Partial

Service Type 1M 8M 30M

Telephone line is not required.

Either Bank account information or Credit card information is required to apply.

For futher information:

StarCat: 0120-181-374

http://www.starcat.co.jp/english/

 

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7. Meet and Greet Luncheon

 

For those of you who are new to Nagoya, please come and join us for lunch.  Meet and Greet lunch is the ideal place to make new friends, have a chat, and find out what is going on in Nagoya. 

 

Date and Time: Tuesday, July 8th, starting at 11:30 a.m.

Change of Regular Venue: see note below!!!

Temporary Venue: The Seasons Restaurant, 2F, Hilton Nagoya (with special corner for kids)

Price: 2600 yen

RSVP: Joey Tan is the Meet and Greet Coordinator.  Please RSVP to Joey by e-mail at joeywltan@gmail.com as soon as possible, at the latest by the 4th of July.  When you are RSVPing for another person, please give the name of the other person to avoid double bookings.  There is a minimum attendance of 15 people for just this Meet and Greet, so please contact Joey as soon as you can to avoid cancellation.

 

Important Note: The Meet and Greet has been hosted at Shooters Bar and Grill each month, however  renovations to the restaurant have required the Meet and Greet to find a new temporary home.

 

Shooters would like to apologize to Meet and Greet attendees and other customers at this time and hopes to have your custom and support again in approximately 3 weeks when the renovations should be complete.

 

The Meet and Greet would also like to thank Shooters Bar and Grill for their continued support each month.  Because they open just for the Meet and Greet and provide a smorgasbord lunch at a reasonable price, it is a very easy event for parents with young children.  We look forward to returning to Shooters when we can.

 

 

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8. Kakaku.com and tricks of the internet searching trade

 

After years in Japan I have a few internet searching tricks up my sleeve that will help me to locate a website (even if it is in Japanese) even if I don’t know the name, or the correct kanji of what I am searching for. 

 

 

Now that you know these two handy-dandy ways to get around Japanese illiteracy when searching something out on the world wide web, let me tell you about Kakaku.com which I have already recommended you consult before your exciting trip to Akihabara.  When you first open up this page you will be faced with thousands of little icons, and they are kind of easy to work out (cameras, cars, games, computers, home electronics and the list goes on).  However some of these icons are misleading (the TV icon leads to home electronics, not just TVs, so you would have to click this if, for example you were looking to buy a cheap washing machine).  Also, once you’ve clicked one of these items the NEXT menu is in Japanese, so unless it’s something where the product brands are often in English (like digital cameras for example) then you still might be in trouble.

 

Here’s the trick however – the mammoth database is completely searchable by product code, so if you had consulted one of many English consumer review websites to know what model of camera you were looking for, just feeding the model number into the search engine will take you straight to all the options with that same model number.  Just click on the one that looks right, and you can tell how much the cheapest deal on that model number will cost you, from a database that extends across Japan!  Most of the shops have the facility to ship the item to you if you want to buy it, so your next big electronics deal could be just a phone call away!

 

Let’s put it to the test.  Let’s say I want to buy my sister-in-law a new camera for her birthday.  My brother wants to spend up to about $500 on it and he thinks it might be cheaper in Japan.  First of all he goes to his local camera shop and finds that he likes the look of the Canon Powershot G9 which he then looks up on Shopping.com in Australia (a consumer review website).  The very cheapest he can get it for is $489 but the average price is higher and he doesn’t know if he trusts the online source of the cheaper one.

 

I take just the model number, DCS-W80 and feed it into kakaku.com, which gives me this page.  Remember, G9 is not a very complicated product code and it’s likely to hit on anything, which of course it does.  However, each listing has a little photo, and you can easily find and click on the one you want, the Canon Powershot G9.  If you scroll down this page you’ll see the ten cheapest prices around Japan.  In my case, on the day that I did it there was a shop in Aichi Prefecture selling the second cheapest one at 41498 yen which means that it is worth my time to buy my brother a camera for his wife and him to pay me back.  No running around, no fuss.  Of course, to know that this shop was in Aichi I had to be able to read that kanji, but on close inspection of that listing the shop also clearly displayed its phone number, and 052 is the area code for Nagoya.  Even if I hadn’t known the kanji for Aichi I would have picked it up from the phone number.

 

Of course, this does not work with every single camera model if the numbers are different between your country and Japan.  However, the time you take online to find the information you need is still less than going up and down, up and down, up and down each and every escalator in Akihabara to try and find the best deal in town.

 

 

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 9. Buying a Computer – do your homework!

 

For its August meeting the Nagoya International PC Club will be conducting a walking tour of the computer stores near Nagoya Station. We’ll be exploring the latest technology on offer at three of Nagoya’s largest computer shops, and answering questions about technology purchases – if you’ve ever wished that you had a computer expert along when you went electronics shopping, now’s your chance!  We will meet at noon on August 16, 2008, at noon, in front of the Bic Camera store, on the west side (the shinkansen side) of the station.

 

If a Mac is what you’re hankering for, then the Apple Store in Sakae has English speaking shop assistants that will gladly take you on a “personal shopping” spree for the exact type of computer and software that you need.  To make an appointment for personal shopping look at the Japanese website with a Japanese speaking friend.  When you’re buying, if you can recycle an old iPod (even a broken one) or prove that you belong to an educational facility like a university, you may also get a discount!

 

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  10. How to Turn Off the Computer

Sue Conolly

 

A good friend of mine, an old Japanese lady, just left my house.  I’d given her an old pre-paid mobile phone I wasn’t using any more last week, and as she was leaving she told me “By the way, the mobile phone is broken!  I’m really sorry.. I will have to take it to the shop!!”.  The despair of having broken the precious present was in her voice but I knew better.  I knew that she simply did not know that to turn a mobile phone on, you have to press the “hang up” button down for several seconds.  She simply just did not know how to turn a phone on, or turn it off.

 

I am like this, at least in a metaphorical sense, with my computer.  With Facebook and my blog, work, work and more work (and an online Masters I am starting next Monday) I simply don’t know how to turn off the computer.  It’s a real problem, as real to me as my friend thinking that the mobile phone was broken.  So here I am, I’ve been sitting in a dark airconditioned room all day – eyes slitty and staring at the computer screen to bring you the August X-Pat Files.  I’ve told you all about computers.  You can all turn your computers ON after reading this edition, but what are you going to do to turn them off?  Hmmm?

 

Here goes….

 

How to turn off the computer:

 

1. Buy a dog so you have to take it for a walk (this does not always work… my own two dogs had to wait until 11:30 am, or after article number 3 of the X-Pat Files, to get their desperately needed morning walk)

2. Turn off the airconditioner and open the window so that you hear noises from outside reminding you that there are children in the world.  Your children, even.

3. Get hungry enough so that you dream of something really delicious.  It is important not to dream of McDonalds here or you will just chow down on a Big Mac you’ve grabbed through the drive through on your way back to the computer screen.  It is important to dream of a delicious sashimi salad, either at the restaurant you’re treating yourself to for your hard days work or hand made from the supermarket.  Either way you’ll need to turn the computer off to get it.

4. Smile at someone.  If it is appropriate then it is better to kiss them too.  Smiling at someone and kissing them breaks the iSpell that has been cast on you and you will start to come out of your trance (and turn off the computer).

5. Dance to some really, really funky music. I recommend The Cat Empire for this task, but They Might Be Giants would do as well.  Aretha Franklin.  Eminem.  I don’t care.  Just the action of dancing (which is very, very hard to do in front of the keyboard and impossible to do while actually typing) will be the antidote to your e-poison.

6. Have a bath, and preferably go to the public bath house and scrub yourself from head to toe.  Wash every icon off, scrub away each pixel of each blog.  Nothing should be left of the world wide web in your sleepy eyes by the time you’ve finished. 

7. When you can’t think of more ways to turn off the computer, Google “how to get away from the computer”.  The best tips for computer weaning can come directly from the computer addicted horses mouth.

8. Try to write, or try to THINK a whole sentence that does not contain the words or partial words; wiki, blog, pixel, RSS, .com, networking.  Certainly do not use worlds like “Blogosphere”.  Especially do not use these words in front of your children.  Are you trying to create a whole generation of computer addicted zombies?

9.  Wait until your eyes and ears are bleeding from extensive periods of time sitting motionless in cyberspace, fast food wrappers piling up around your feet and your brain filling slowly with a sort of buzzing pixel fractal pattern, or….

10.  Stop. Just stop.  And turn the stupid thing off, OK?

 

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